A Daughter Father Relationship

It is very clear that I am unsure as to what to place in my blog when considering what I am about to post today. This morning for some reason I am thinking of my blog as a place to post things that are important to me personally. After all it is my blog. If I wish to use it as a personal journal so be it. I have struggled with the posting of this content today because it has to do with some pretty dam personal stuff. However; a blog will never ever become famous or popular without something interesting to read even if that content exposes your private family and personal matters. Besides, Suzanne, Deal and Freddy are the only ones that will probably read this anyway, however I think I just came up with a fourth reader that being my daughter. There are however things in this post that I should not share with Deal or Freddy but I decided to post it anyway. If it changes our friendship then so be it. I am who I am. I may have been a little misdirected at times in my life but I am certainly not ashamed of how I have lived it. My Wife and my Daughter love me very much and are by far the two most important people in my life. To hurt either of them would be cause to stop living and that isn't happening anytime soon that I know of.

So here it is: My daughter is have gallbladder surgery on Wednesday and I cannot be there to help her through it. She shared a song by Carrie Underwood with me called All American Girl (which if interested you can here at cmt.com, search for Carrie Underwood all American girl and watch the video) which the words describe the relationship that my daughter and I have. This morning after listening to it I had to take some time to both get her ready for her surgery and to ease the pain I have inside of me for not being able to be there for her. Although the letter sounds like it is meant to ease her mind, it is truly to help me reduce the guilt I have inside for not being there for her during this time. I will paste it here now and end this post without any further comment. Just know that I have allowed the whole dam world to enter my life in a most personal way and I hope like hell that I never regret doing so...... The letter is as follows:

Thank You All American Girl. That song says it all it.

I need to now take some time to get you ready for your surgery. First and foremost, you need to understand (which I feel confident that you do) if there was anyway that I could be there without the fear of falling completely off of the cliff edge I would. I am so close to failure at the moment I can’t stand myself. Some say that all things happen as they do for a reason. I have lived my life not buying into those beliefs but as I continue to grow older that belief continues to creep into my head over and over again. With the Title Company moving back the closing date until the 20th it may very well be another setup for me to go out and spend money I don’t have only to find out it falls through or gets pushed back yet again. Who knows that could already be planned to happen for a reason, but I know one thing, until the money is in my hands I am not sure of anything anymore. Had Mom’s house closed escrow today I could have easily been on a plane tomorrow and been by your side for this scary event your about to go through. My biggest fear is that something is still yet to go wrong and if this deal does not close on the 20th I am in deep shit. I can only last to the end of this month before I cannot pay my mortgage let alone put food on the table.

I was awarded a contract job over three months ago that has yet to start which I gave up waiting on over a month ago. I could have easily had a job by now but I was stupid and continued to smoke the pot thinking that Mom’s house will sell and I would get my money with no problems. Then the pot became a continuous thing where as I was smoking it to hide from the depression. At any rate, I quite smoking pot about a month ago now and can now seek employment without fears of failing a drug test which I found is required anywhere you try to get a job at. This has been by far one of the stupidest things I have allowed myself to let happen. Never again!

I have to share something with you. There was this one day just after I rented the house on Eaton Ct. and you were due to move in with me the following week. A single guy with a drinking habit taking on a four year old was the scariest thing I think that I have ever had to deal with in my life. My new car had just been repossessed, I had just written a bad check for the house rental, and I had been using the u-haul with all of my stuff in it to drive around to look for houses which I didn’t have the money to pay for all the mileage that I had raked up. I found myself sitting in an empty house drinking beer I couldn’t afford to buy and the thought came to mind that all I need do was to walk over the over pass next to the house into the black area only blocks away and find a group of coloreds and say the right things to get myself killed. I didn’t own a gun so this seemed better then jumping off the overpass into on coming traffic. I deserved to feel the pain of a long slow death. I had wished that I could just go to sleep and never wake up but I knew that was not possible. I did fall asleep and woke up the next morning and got into the truck to take it back to the u-haul place where I was going to have to write this huge check for all the mileage of which there was no money in the bank to pay. When I got there they went out to write down the mileage for my bill and didn’t come back. I looked out the window and there were 5 people who worked there all crawling under the truck looking around. When they finally came back in they asked me what I had did to the truck. As it was I was suppose to have the truck brought back a week earlier but had all of my stuff in it with no place to stay so it was almost two weeks since I had rented it. They said the mileage was only 50 miles from what it was when it left the day I picked it up. They could not find anything that I did to the truck so they could only say that the speedometer broke on its own and I was only charged for the 50 miles. Hell I had filled up the gas tank at least three times during the two weeks I had the truck.

Something good finally happened for once. That night I sat in the house starring at nothing but boxes and I learned a life’s lesson. That was that tomorrow will always come no matter how bad things seem to be. Even the most impossible things seem to work themselves out no matter what. Things that we are responsible for will always be taken care of either by yourself or someone else. There is always another family member or friend that will pick up the slack even if it means putting themselves out. The loved ones that we would like to have around us during the worse of times can’t always be there for us once we have grown up and moved on with life. I was reminded of this after Mom died as well. I do not have a parent there for me for the rest of my life now. Everything I have to deal with from that day forward will have to done without them and no matter what, tomorrow will come and all my needs will be met one way or another, even if that means going that path all on my own.

Just know this you All American Girl, I have researched the operation that you are about to have on Wednesday and it is not life threatening. It is a routine operation of which you stand no chance at dieing from. If this was an operation of which there was a measurable amount of risk I would become homeless and live in a box without ever giving it a thought to be by your side even if that meant riding a 10 speed all the way to New Mexico. I would jump in my car and give blow jobs for gas money if that was the only way that I could get there. Being without me or your mom for this surgery only forces your family there to be a real family. Kori’s parents would never ever let their grand kids down at a time like this in fear that there is a chance that the kids would hate them for it. You are a true friend to your closest friends and do enough for them that they too can help you out during this horrible event.

My gut feeling tells me that they will be successful at performing this procedure with the laparoscopic technique and that you will come through this in flying colors. Should anything go wrong during the procedure and Kori calls me telling me that it is dire that I be there I will find a way to get there as fast as I can. I do have enough miles left to get one ticket anywhere I have to go but I have pretty much reserved that to be used in an emergency such as being forced to fly to be by your side or for suz to fly to one of her daughter’s sides in an emergency. If anything does go wrong and I am forced to come there I will have to face Kori with this huge feeling of hate that I have for him now and a confrontation will have to occur. Whether it is next week or years from now he has to answer to me for what he did to you. I will not forgive or forget this until which time I see him again, there is just no way around this.

So All American Girl, you keep your thoughts on good things and start planning your new diet. With what I have learned about losing your gallbladder you cannot eat fatty, high in cholesterol or junk food ever again. The bile that is produced by the gallbladder typically enables us to eat those foods without fear but when it is not there to produce the acids that dissolves those foods your stuck with eating good healthy foods like vegetables, potatoes or pasta and things like chicken or fish. This is very important.

I love you baby and will be on the edge of my seat waiting for the phone call telling me that everything went excellent. Make sure you work with the girls to get them ready for the things that they need to do to help you for the next week or two. Tape lists on their bedroom walls that they must do everyday no matter what. Promise them that once you are feeling better that they will be rewarded for all of the extra things they have had to do. Chucky Cheese or an afternoon doing something that they don’t get to do very often and love to do is a must. Tell them that they have to act all grown up for the next week or two and show Mom the love that she shows them every single day. It’s their turn to be a mom for a week and mom gets to be their child to take care of and love like their own. Kind of like reversing rolls for a week.

I hope that I have been able to help in some small way to cope with the weeks to come. I have not abandoned you baby and will be there in an instant if anything goes wrong I promise. Take the time to ensure that everyone there has there assignments for the next couple of weeks and make sure that there is nothing expected of you for that entire time. Everything that you do on a daily basis must be done by someone else. The time you spend planning and thinking of who is a perfect fit for that particular job will keep your mind busy until Wednesday. Keeping your mind busy thinking of those things will help to keep you from thinking of the scary things. Everything will be just fine I promise.

I Love You All American Girl and thanks for sharing the song with me. It made my heart swell and reminds me of just how special you are to me. Remember our motto; “It’s You and Me against the world Baby, now and forever”….

Love Dad